Heartbreakk Coming....

I really really like him. I dont want my feelings hurt at all. I wish I can just stay with him. I need to talk more. I hate being so shy around him. Like, its not like I JUST met him. I haven't, its just that I don't know what to say sometimes. If only I can talk to him like I talk to my best friends. It would be the best thing. I can already feel my heart getting prepared for another disappointment. I don't want August to come.

I can't even find a quote that explains how I feel right now.

FML...

it's hard to let someone in when everytime you did;; your heart was left in a million pieces

I feel like that if I was done wrong, I would always put it on someone else. I don't mean to, but it just happens that way. I try to have a relationship with someone, i DO try. But its like, when i feel like i been done wrong, its hard to try to build a relationship with the same person because, I do always end up going to the next one but i dont know.

Trust Issues mainly, I cant just stick with the same person because im scared that they are going to do it again and many of them PROVE my POINT without me even being in a relationship.

I just, I dont know. Its whateva.

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.” -Tupac Shakur

So I officially gave up yesterday and I do not regret what happened because I know I will get over it and I am still going to be me. Regardless of how people think of me, I do not care for it anymore. If I want things to come out the way I want them to, I have to figure it out on my own. I do not need people to help me out.

With that said, I am going to have a better day than yesterday with or without you.

S E L F - Realization

I hope I spelled that right. Even though this post is mad late. Like, by a good... 2 or 3 days anyway.
Christmas;; dnt really care for it. What I get, nothing but good sleep after I finished playing Guitar Hero and eating Mac N Cheese.

I did delete my last 2 posts, they were tooo hintful on who it was about and i did not want him to read it.

Self-Realization

My best friend Kayla Marie told me that I needed to stop being hard on myself and to stop trying to find love in all the wrong places. At first, I didnt realize I was doing it, I thought I was just trying to avoid the whole situation but NOPE. I didn't. I was in the middle of it and it all came out this week but then again, im not surprised. Men, are a waste of time. A waste of MYY time, and after a couple days ago. After I realized it, from all the broken promises and the phone calls never received or the text messages never answered, I don't really want a man in my life right now. I'm happy single. I know i mentioned the Army guy, Airforce guy, and the Navy guy. Other's I don't mention because I don't have a name for them. I don't know what to call him anyway. I realized that when I do actually start to feel for someone, I always try to shut it down but I guess that doesnt work cuz somehow some way, i get hurt in the process. Commitment Issues maybe? No. I'm just tired. I'm tired of being lied to by people that really have nothing to lie for. I know i keep my feelings to myself. I know everything that is wrong with me but always fail to realize it.

Kayla told me a bunch of shit i told myself. Stop talking to guys that just don't care because if they don't care then I don't care. Then Niggas out here talk about how they not like every other nigga, they different. They end up doing the same shit them other nigggas do so what makes you different from them.

Half the niggas I deal with are potential stalkers, niggas that beg (show respect and learn how to take no for a fckn answer), or just... UGHh.

She said that i should not settle for less than the best. I deserve a man with a car, a job, and someone that is willing to take me out and show me off to the world. Someone that will really love me for me and deal with me and my complicatedness.

The past few nights I've cried over not being appreciated enough by anyone. Mainly, my dad, or should i say father figure. Because he not my dad and the only time he wants to act like he is my dad is when i supposedly do wrong. Then when it comes down to something i need, apparently, im at the bottom of the list and have to tell him exactly how much i need and what i need it for and then hear complaining with it. Everyone else, its a breeze. They just get it. I got to wait. Story of my life;; Waiting with this nigga.

Then today, to make it all worse. I get a text saying that "maybe we should stop talking, i know its what u want." His name will remain unknown because, like i said, i dont have a nickname for him. But, what is he to tell me that he knows what i want. He is not me. he dont know what or who i want. WE DONT EVEN TALK LIKE WE USED TO because someone is obviously to busy to actually call anyone or at least txt me first. I cant love someone that i know im not going to see. I dont care if i doubt you or anyone else, if i kno its not going to happen then most likely its not and then to say that i move on to quick. What am i supposed to do? Wait for 40 yrs to someone that moves on to a diff. girlfriend and still havent seen you. I'll pass.

I don't know who to trust anymore. I realized that, in order for me to actually get what i want, i need to be patient because things will come to me when its time and the more that i rush into it, the more i have to wait. So im going to be patient. Im going to just listen to everything Kayla told me and hope for the best and think that the guy that im willing to give all of myself to will pop up one day and be willing to wait for me.

Christmas List

Hmm..

I want some clothes.
I need to start dressing more girly and not all dykish...

- Clothes

- Bootz

- Money

- Nike Dunks

- Pastries

- Skinny Jeans

- PS3 Games

- lol School Supplies

- A brand New Camera

- A new Car

- And to be with the boy of my dreams.

To much to ask for???

Boredom Killz

I never thought that my cousins were so boring.

They dont do anything fun.

They dont smoke.

They dont drink.

They dont do shit.

I think ima have to start going to clubs.

I need someone to save me from Raleigh.

UGHHHh. I cant just sleep all day.

I DO THIS AT HOME!

and like... im hungry.

Its like they never eat.

Please;; Do anyone feel my pain here?

Honestly.

FML;; Its Snowing in Raleigh.

I've been M.I.A. since the last time I posted. Oh well. Anyway. Life. has been life. I been arguing back and forth with my grandma. She wants to be so dmn dependent like. i kno you can do this. Stop asking me to do a million things for you. I been chillin besides that.

But the past couple days they been gettin on my nerves. PWC was goin to cut our shit off. I had to get money out to pay it. the money would not get off the card. Spent like... a million miles of gas going back and forth places. My grandma moves hella slow. Today, im up at 6. She needs to UGH. my mom had me going all over fayetteville. I dont know where shit is in fayetteville. So, yea. Lets just say i got Lost. Really Really Lost. I got home on my own;; my mom couldnt even pick up the phone to help me out. I had to find my own way. Then i couldnt even take a nap cuz my mom to damn worried bout her fckn watch battery. Got there. Got it done;; cousin calls tellin me she ready and there is like... massive traffic. at 4, there was traffic. So i got home around like 4:12;; packed my shit up and then waited for her to come.

Raining hard. cousin driving tooo slow. Got to Raleigh. Went to the Chinese food place and guess what, its snowing and.... Yea. It was stickin to the road. Almost slipped wit all the stuff we had to carry.
Seen this cute guy in this apartment place but i found out he married to a white woman. Dmn. I wish i woulda took a picture. He was cute.

Thats Whats happening in my life right now. Sleep;; and thats it.

There is this boy that i really like. He in the Military. He wasn't listed up there. With the Navy, Airforce, and *drug dealer;;.... Lets just add in the Army. I think he is cute, and i dont know. But its like, i want to be wit him but its too early.. I mean, i knew him for a while. lol but we are actually like... talking. We wasnt really talking back then but we are talking now.

And my ex wants to come to Fayetteville but i already kno that we not goin to get back together. I can feel that in my gut. But the Army guy is jux, he nice. He not that mean, like he said he used to be but i never really saw mean. Not that i can remember so yea, I really like him and ... I hope he dont leave next friday on Christmas cuz i really wanna chill wit him. Like CHILL wit him. Get to know him a lot better, lol in alllll ways. So yea. Im out.

We going to Walmart.

Lets Just Call This My Diary.....

Ohkayy Ohkayy;;

For those that don't know me.

Which should be all of yall.

My name is

SHANAE.

Thats it. No last name included. Its not important.

Newbie (Gettin Used to It]

Let me think about what ima write on here and ill be sure to use this every chance i get.